(How Saucey-eyed Freddie Let’emgo, the best Criminal Defense Attorney in San Diego, got his nickname.)

“Burglary, burglary, pudding and pie,
Freddie Let’emgo is the attorney you want on your side.”

Jackamo hoped to get legal advice so he could know
if he’d committed burglary and what he should do.
Attorney Let’emgo heard the tale Jackamo described;
put his face in his hands and let out a sigh.
Across the border in Mexico
Jackamo had drunk a bottle of Oso Negro;
then he drove his Cadillac past the Highway Patrol;
driving drunk all the way back to San Diego.
Read entire poem

(How Saucey-eyed Freddie Let’emgo, the best Criminal Defense Attorney in San Diego, got his nickname.)

 

by
Charles N. Guthrie

Jackamo read the words above his attorney’s office.

“Burglary, burglary, pudding and pie,
Freddie Let’emgo is the attorney you want on your side.”

Jackamo hoped to get legal advice so he could know
if he’d committed burglary and what he should do.
Attorney Let’emgo heard the tale Jackamo described
putting his face in his hands and letting out a sigh.
Across the border in Mexico
Jackamo had drunk a bottle of Oso Negro;
then he drove his Cadillac past the Highway Patrol;
driving drunk all the way back to San Diego.
When he got to San Diego he fell out of his car
staggered to the nearest house, and opened the door.
The police arrested Jackamo as he slept on the floor.
Attorney Let’emgo said, “No more, I’ve heard enough;
I’ll take your case to trial and get you off.”
By the way, you can call me Freddie;
because I know from your story you’re not guilty.
“In order to understand burglary,” Freddie said,
“the crime of burglary begins and ends in your head.”
What is and what’s not a burglary
has always been based on something you can’t see.
The prosecution must prove beyond a reasonable doubt,
that at the very moment you entered the house
you had the intent inside of your heart
to commit a theft or felony farce.
The prosecution can’t put the intent to steal in a bottle,
then hold the bottle up to a jury and claim the contents are real.
To the jury Freddie made the unorthodox argument;
that Jacamo’s defense to burglary made him look like an idiot;
but it’s better to be a complete fool than a crook.
Freddie argued Jackamo was drunk and made a mistake.
He entered the wrong house because he was drunk, and fell asleep.
His intent was not to steal or commit a felony farce.
He got mixed up and entered the wrong house.
The only intent in Jackamo’s head
was to go into his house and sleep in his bed.
Then Freddie pulled out a bottle of Oso Negro;
drank the whole bottle and put on a show;
At the end of his argument he didn’t know where;
where he was, or what he was doing, or if anyone was still there.
The court’s bailiff had to lead him back to his chair.
The jury agreed with Freddie
finding Jackamo as to burglary “Not Guilty”;
but the jury didn’t let Jackamo off easy,
finding him, “Guilty of drunk driving and trespass to property.”
After the verdict, Freddie was interviewed by Fox News;
after sobering up with coffee, he expounded on his views.
He pulled out his empty bottle of Oso Negro, and pointed;
“The problem with the prosecution’s case,” he said,
“was the intent to steal was hiding behind
all those dancing black bears in Jackamo’s head.”
I could only prove Jackamo was innocent the way I did;
but I hope the court didn’t think I was rude.
The judge reasoned she couldn’t let a lawyer argue drunk;
Freddie’s antics left unpunished would set a bad precedent.
So, she found Freddie in contempt
for drinking Oso Negro in closing argument.
Then she sentenced Freddie to serve three days in the clink;
saying It would be more, but she enjoyed his argument.
Freddie got the nickname “Saucey-eyed Freddie Let’emgo”
and the awkward reputation even when he was drunk
he was the best attorney in San Diego.
Funny thing was that Freddie never drank before or after that trial.
He only drank the Oso Negro to keep his client out of jail.
Now, when Freddie gets bored and the courtroom is dull,
he has the memory of black bears to give him a smile.

Copyright © Charles N. Guthrie 2009

In Spanish, Oso means bear, and Negro means black. Oso Negro is a vodka
manufactured and sold in Mexico, as well as the U.S. Maybe Oso Negro will
send me a check for the publicity.

Run in a mad fit

 

by

Charles N. Guthrie

 

Running so hard to get to the tape;

Breaking hearts right and left

to get first place;

Waiting for the applause and shouts to burst;

But, now it’s just a finish line

where no crowd shouts my name.

It would come in time,

the race to win no longer mine;

The race changed from how fast to what;

What can be done in the time that’s left?

Hold on to some lines from favorite songs;

Eat the air in your lungs.

In a mad fit

run past the empty bleachers in the night

as if the shouting crowd never left.

 

Copyright  ©  2009, Charles N. Guthrie

 

 

When you become a man or woman the race changes to getting things done by arbitrary deadlines.  As you become even older you hope to accomplish your life goals which are restrained by time, and sometimes, not all the time, it’s ok to run toward an invisible tape, a tape the younger adults don’t see, and run at the tape like you are crazy.

I like to listen to Jay Leno’s monologue

and write my poems as the show goes along.

So, I sat at my kitchen table about to write;

when I noticed I was wearing only one sock.

Now, every poet knows about the one sock curse;

because wearing one sock makes you lose your words.

Why, Shakespeare wrote Hamlet on a bet

he couldn’t write while wearing only one sock.

Since then those who’ve  worn one sock and wrote

have all experienced the loss of thought.

Even Shakespear could only do it once.

So, while Jay was in the middle of his joke,

I looked for my missing sock and laughed.

I laughed so hard I got a headache.

So, I got up to take an Excedrin break,

With one great gulp I swallowed a tablet;

then, at the punch line of Jay’s joke I laughed;

looked for my sock, and let the Exedrin work.

All of a sudden my sink let out some burps;

 

Oh my gosh!  I was getting the one sock curse.

Out of my head flew all of my thoughts;

then they dove into my sink and down it’s pipes

gurgling so loud I couldn’t think.

They were so noisy I missed Jay’s next joke,

only hearing the laughter after he spoke.

It was a scary moment

standing on the kitchen floor with one bare foot

and my other foot in a sock,

and inside my head not a single thought.

Suddenly, I realized my headache was gone;

from lack of ideas, or the Excedrin.

Jay Leno’s monologue was funny that night.

Giving me a fit of laughter to such an extent

I couldn’t control my poetic wit.

Jay’s jokes made me forget I couldn’t write

So, I grabbed my pen, but my hand froze tight.

In my very own kitchen I’d become lost

with nothing in my head to write about.

Jay’s jokes were so funny my sink pipe laughed,

then gave a burp and my ideas popped back.

They were slippery as fish in a wet grocery sack.

I tried to catch my ideas by writing them down

in a one sock poem so I could wear a crown.

 

So, I wrote my thoughts as fast as I could;

but, never realized I’d written good.

I had not set out to break the curse.

All I wanted was to laugh at Jay’s jokes;

get rid of my headache and entertain some folks.

Now I wear one sock and write all the time;

because I’ve discovered the secret of the one sock rhyme.

Anyone can write wearing only one sock;

but, with Jay Leno’s jokes you get the best result.

                           By

Charles N. Guthrie

    Copyright    ©    Charles N. Guthrie   2009

 

Jack,  Johnny,  &  Jay

(The three wise men of late night TV)

 

The Tonight Show has been part of our culture starting with, Jack Parr, Johnny Carson, and Jay Leno and now, Conan O’brien.  Why has the show been around so long, what value has it, and where is it going? 

The reason the show has lasted as long as it has is the monologue.  Other than the monologue, the Tonight Show is little more than a variety show.  Of course, the delivery of the monologue is the key and NBC has always been able to find a star who could deliver.   Over the years, the monologue became if you will a final prayer of the day, but in a funny spoofing way, taking on the serious, powerful and the great in a whimsical and serious manner.  Humor’s base is morality and right over wrong.  The Tonight Show monologue at one time or another has taken on both sides of the political spectrum.  The rich are poked fun at.  The powerful are laughed at.   Most of us feel better that we are not rich, powerful or important because the monologue takes everyone and thing down to size.

It was as if he were in your livingroom when Jack Parr told a story.  When Johnny Carson came along, some thought he was silly and not up to the intellectual humor of Parr, but then Johnny Carson changed, he grew.  I didn’t think anyone could replace Johnny when he left, then I watched Jay Leno get better and deeper and again we had the feeling after watching the Tonight Show all was right with the world.

The hosts of the Tonight show, Jack, Johnny, and Jay, became more than late night comedians, or hosts, but in a way a moral compass for our times expressing after the nightly news the views of the regular guy about what was going on in the world.  In a sense a humorous morality for the nation.  

So the Tonight show hosts made us feel good about ourselves and made us look forward.  How much has that been worth over the years?  How many times did that laughter save lives, allow the down hearted to prevail over bad times.  There is no price tag one can put on the effect of entertainment.   The Tonight Show was a very valuable tool for keeping peace and harmony in our nation.   

Now, we have Conan O’brien, and the same things are being said of him as those who came before.  He is too superficial and his jokes are too silly.  But, maybe like the others he will grow into the role.  I hope so.  On the other hand we have David Letterman.  His humor has always been simple and he gives the appearance of being partisan.  

 The Tonight Shows were  enjoyable, but more, they gave us security.  Someone we knew personally was looking at the big issues pointing out the obvious which is always funny.  Sometimes the humor was tough, like in the Cold War years with the Cuban Missels, Viet Nam, Nixon, Clinton, we all sat in our livingroom foxholes and shared the humor with Jack, Johnny, and Jay.  In a sense, Jack, Johnny, and Jay were the three wise men that followed that star in the sky, but instead of galloping away on their camels, got off and spent some time with us.  It could be, the last one is getting back on his Camel.  We were lucky to spend time with these truly wise men.    

Who knows what the future will bring.  It may be the end of an era.  Maybe there will be a fourth wise man.  Good luck to Conan.  Good luck to Dave too.   I’ll give both of you some advice later.  Here is my advice to NBC.  Place Jay Leno right after the 6:00 O’clock news, with his monologue and some guests, for no longer than 30 minutes, every night Monday through Friday.  A monologue and one or two guests.   In the end his humor is all about the news and pointing out the obvious which is, after all funny.

For Conan O’brien, I have two words, Will Rogers.   

For David Letterman, well, here I am, writing a poem about someone in a kitchen

with one sock on and one sock off and a kitchen sink burping.  Now that is about as silly and superficial as you can get.  Then criticize Conan and David for being shallow; but, none-the-less, you’ve got to know shallow to recognize shallow.  For Letterman, and O’brien they are either going to upgrade their humor, or they will be like all the other comics and there wont be a reason for people to tune in.

I have no advice for Jay.

Hey Freud, put down your cigar.
I’ve got the answer you were looking for.
The question that stumped you,
“What do women want?”
Take a listen to my thought.
You underestimated women with that penis envy.
The fact is they want the whole male body.
You just have to observe women at a party,
and how their husbands make them happy.
“Honey, can you get us drinks?
Don’t forget the dip and chips.”
Watch how the men perform their tricks.
“Now run along and play with the other men
and let us girls talk in the kitchen.”
After awhile you understand
a man does not have to be handsome or rich
as any old man will do.
All women want, and it’s really not much,
is simply to say, “I’ve got one too.”

 

by Charles N. Guthrie
Copyright © 2009, Charles N. Guthrie